I haven’t been walking at work lately. Mostly because it’s been too cold or too rainy. We got about 12 inches of rain in March so walking during the day has been mostly out of the question.

I got back to it yesterday. It’s finally nice out so I walked outside yesterday. Today, I “worked from home” do at lunch, I walked to the grocery story. It seems like spring is really here. This weekend is supposed to be spectacular. I’m hoping to get the kayaks out this weekend, even if it *does* mean ladyscaping.

And, can I tell you what the best weight-loss program is?? Poverty. I’m telling you. Having no money is the best way to both clean out the cupboards AND to lose weight. I’m down 3 pounds lately. Nothing official, but since I don’t have money to buy groceries, I have to eat up what I already have . Weight loss win!

More later…. I’ve been drinking, so I think I should stop now…

What have you done for *you* today??

Spring starts tomorrow, and I cannot wait! Getting outside to walk and clear out the cobwebs from the lungs. I’ve been trying to get out at lunchtime to walk during the day. It’s made me feel clearer and I know I’ve been sleeping better.  The only downside of walking at lunch is that I can’t walk as fast as I would normally like because getting sweaty and then going back to work? Ick. I mean, I walk fast enough to get my heart rate up some, and I don’t stink from sweat, but I like to just go to town when I can shower right after.

Now that it’s spring, and it’s light out later, I’ll be able to walk after work and not worry about the whole sweat/stink thing.

What are you starting to do with the lighter later nights?

Thanks for stopping by.

But my point in looking up BDD is that I suspected I have some reverse form of it. I don’t think I look as heavy as the scale tells me I am. I think I carry myself well and dress to accent the positives.

Until…

Until I see myself in photographs. I HATE getting my picture taken. HATE. That was before I came to this supposed epiphany, too. When I actually see a photo of myself, it all becomes visually and painfully clear that I do, in fact, have a weight issue and need to lose weight to be healthy. (Notice I didn’t say I needed it to be happy. Two completely different concepts there.)

I guess that is why I started all this with a picture. They say the camera adds 10 pounds? Um, no. It just gives you a visual reference of what everyone else sees. My new theory is that if I get clear in my head the real extent of what I need to do, I will take real steps to correct it.

I’m not using that picture to be harder on myself. I’m too hard on myself already. I’m using that picture to really own the damage I have done over the past 20+ years, so that each step I take towards repairing that damage will be a small victory. By owning it, I can really stop the self-abuse, and be kinder. I can eat kinder foods. Do kinder exercise. Drink kinder fluids. Stopping the cycle of abuse is my ultimate goal.

So, go ahead. Take my picture. I can’t change the past or how I got here. But I can change the direction in which I am moving in order to reach a better ending. This is only who I am *right now*. It’s not who I am inside. And I will ultimately be able to celebrate her.

Thanks for stopping by.

I made it through high school, after the rape,with a single boyfriend. I officially lost my virginity on Prom night. We had been together for quite some time by then and had known each other since first grade. It felt right. I never really know what answer to give to the “What age were you when you lost your virginity?” question. Once, I answered “16 by force, 18 by choice” but that just got awkward for everyone.

Looking back now, I see that I had slowly started to withdraw into myself after my “friend” didn’t believe me. I didn’t recognize it at the time, of course, but now I see that I started to isolate then. I didn’t feel like I fit in with any one clique.

When I left for college, I ended up at Ginormous University fo Some State (GUSS). And once there, I made up for lost time.

Editor’s note: I found out later that everyone reacts to sexual trauma in different ways. Some don’t like to be touched, some become promiscuous, some are able to move forward with no obvious signs. There were many things that I learned later. But at the time, I just did what I thought I wanted to do.

So, I’m at GUSS, and I developed quite a taste for drinking. I hadn’t been a drinker in high school, unlike my friends. But all of a sudden, I used any excuse to drink. Some other students on my floor and I would do shots or hit a local bar and drink ’til drunk. Someone managed to get me a fake ID so the bars were no issue. I also started to become sexually adventurous. My thinking at the time was that I has been so hurt by a guy that it was okay for me to do the same to them.

There was one guy there that I really liked, but we never hooked up. He was someone I could have brought home to mother, so to speak, but I think he ended up thinking of me like a little sister. That was sad.

That was the period of time when I first slept with a black man. These days, it would be no big thing, but back then? It was huge. There aren’t many African-Americans in my home state so it seemed both exciting and scary then. It was also at that time that I told my roommate that I had done that and she immediately asked the Resident Adviser for a room transfer. Evidently, it was not exciting and scary for her too; she wanted nothing to do with me. In fact, the other girls with whom I had been friends also stopped talking to me. (And I thought *I* was the small town one!)

So, my third semester at GUSS, my new roommate and I hit it off right away. We both thought we were so cool. We were regulars at a local bar, and the bartenders would double shot our drinks. As if we needed it. And there were always drink specials – Wednesday was nickle night; Thursday was 50 cent night and Friday and Saturday were dollar night. Or something like that. The drinks were way cheap, put it that way. And Roomy and I took full advantage of it.

We also took advantage of all the boys who were “interested” in us. They were not interested in anything other than having sex with us, but at the time? We were okay with that. In all honesty, I don’t have any idea how many boys I had sex with at that time, but I think it was 10-15. Again, it was my way of “getting back at” men. Later I learned that that was typical of someone who had been sexually assaulted. Now I know that I thought I deserved to get used and abused. I didn’t care what happened to me. I thought that was all I could expect from myself and my relationships. I didn’t really enjoy sex, but I was usually so intoxicated that it didn’t really matter. The boys weren’t there to make sure I was enjoying myself. They were using me and I let them. I was completely out of control, but thought it was okay. I also was extraordinarily lonely.

After that semester, I got pulled out of GUSS and transferred to Slightly Smaller University of Some State. In an attempt to get my life back under control, it seemed like a good idea.

I’m going to stop now.

Thanks for stopping by.

I had fish for dinner. It was only okay.  But I had peas too. My new favorite thing are the fresh steamer veggie things from the freezer section. I mean, for me to eat peas is huge. I grew up HATING peas. I thought they were gross. Now, the individual serving steamer veggie things are great. You can bring them to work for lunch if you want. Or quickly make them for dinner. These things have even gotten me to eat…. wait for it… Brussel sprouts. I KNOW! But they are little baby sprouts and are really good. Who knew. And if you add a sprinkle of grated cheese to them, they are even better. Try them out!

So, okay. One last thing to do before I go to bed – I have to change my sheets. Then I can snuggle in with a good book as a way to celebrate a really good day.

What did you do for yourself today?

Thanks for stopping by.

I had to get up at about 4:30 this morning to get to the airport for a 7:15 flight. (Thank you terrorists!) So I didn’t have my usual cereal for breakfast. I ended up with an airport bagel with cream cheese. Not the best choice, but I think better than a cheese Danish.

I don’t usually eat that early, so I had to get orange juice on the plane. I’m in New Jersey for the day, without a car, and the building is in sort of an industrial area. Great. Now what do I eat! I don’t want to walk to Dennys or McDonalds. Luckily, a coworker is here and he has a car. God bless him, he’s a bit of a health nut, he was going to Whole Foods, and would I like to go?

Yippee!!! If you don’t know Whole Foods, oh mah gah. It is wonderful for all the fresh fruits and healthy salad bars. It’s magical. I was able to get a mixture of mushroom and red onion salad, snow peas with carrots, grilled tofu, and some brocollini. Absolutely delightful!! (Well, except for the garlic, which I love, but the other people in the meeting won’t!)

I feel like I’m not getting enough water today – no sippy cup. And flying is very dehydrating, IMO. Hopefully, we’ll find some good place for dinner and I will be able to get a steak salad or something. I won’t get home tonight until about 10:30 so I’ll definitely need to eat something! And since most airport food is crap, I need to watch it.

Planning is usualy the key to successfully staying with a healthy eating plan, but since so much is restricted now when flying, it’s really hard. I can’t check a bag for a day trip; that would be silly! But if you can manage it, plan to bring healthy snacks with you to combat the hunger. You’ll do better with it.

Thanks for stopping by!

True to form, my initial reaction is to think – Meh. It’s just one of those daily fluctuations that happens and can cause weight to go up and down several pounds on any given day.

But, instead, like the title of this post, I’m going to take it as a small win. I initially weighed in on a Thursday so I don’t think this is an “official” weigh-in*, but down a pound is down. So I will take this small victory and continue on.

*I didn’t set myself an Official Weigh In schedule at the beginning of this, on purpose. There seems to be too much pressure on society to have targets and then to feel like they failed if they don’t reach it. I’m trying to be kinder to myself than that. And even if after a month, I have lost only 5 pounds (for example), I will still be lighter than I started.

So, today, I will mark down a win.

Thanks for stopping by.

All the experts say that you should drink water throughout your day to help curb hunger and to keep your skin clear. The amount of water that is ideal seems to change, but the average “rule” is to drink eight 8 ounce glasses of water a day. Easy, right? Think about those times you went to happy hour and you got your draught beer in a smallish plastic cup. That’s about 8 ounces. And if you are like me, you *know* you drank more than 8 of those!

Any yet, there are SO MANY people who say “That’s a lot of water!” or “I’ll be peeing all day!” or even “I don’t like water!”

These statements, quite honestly, baffle me. I guess I am one of the lucky ones who ALWAYS has water with her. I have an aluminum water bottle, affectionately referred to as my sippy cup, that I have with me all the time. This bottle probably holds 16 ounces.  And in all honesty, I probably have 8-10 of those in any given day. I cannot imaging NOT having water. I would rather drink water than anything else.

I’m not much of a soda drinker. I used to be. But I just don’t have a taste for it anymore. The closest I get is Club Soda. I like that, with the little bit of flavor in it. Maybe a Fresca every couple of months. But the brown sodas? Meh. I don’t like them. I think it’s all the crud that is in them. It’s too chemically. I work with someone who drinks Diet Mountain Dew. All day. Starting at 4 am when he gets up. (He doesn’t do coffee.) The thought of Mountain Dew, in any form, makes me gag. But to start drinking it that early?? UGH. Also, when he recycles his bottles and cans at the end of the month? He gets back between $40-50!! At $0.05 per can/bottle? That’s an ass-load of soda!!! (Yes, I live in one of the bottle-return states.) (And yes, my co-worker is obese.)

The powdered stuff that is available now for water – to give it a flavor – is not something I’m interested in either. I’ve tried some of them, and they are pretty good. But even the sugar-free ones are too sweet for me. (Yes, this is coming from the girl who is addicted to sugar. I know.) I think it’s just that I like water. I like that it doesn’t have flavor. I like the cold refreshing-ness (is that a word??) of it.

The odd part is that, as you have seen, it hasn’t kept me thin. I’m sure it’s more a function of the vast amounts I eat, rather than the amount of water I consume, that has caused this weight gain. But I don’t feel like water curbs my hunger. Perhaps one builds up a tolerance for it. Much like the tolerance I have built up that I don’t have to pee every 10 minutes. I’m just used to a lot of water, so it’s just normal for me.

So, as far as the health benefits of water? I don’t doubt that they are valid. I think bodies need water. And I know bodies need more water than soda or other fluids. So, if increasing your water intake is not on your plan yet? Add it. It has taken me a long time to get to my water level, so if you don’t drink your 8 glasses today? Try again tomorrow. And keep trying until you get there. You may be peeing a lot initially, but is there really anything wrong with that? I don’t think so. And if it makes you feel full? Even better.

So drink up. It’s good to get the crud out of you.

Thanks for stopping by.

I was pretty motivated at work – got quite a bit done. Also, I didn’t bring my usual vat of food for lunch. I kept it light – roast beef sammy, and a Special K bar. Dinner was a grilled chicken breast and veggies.

It was my day to start with no sugar again. I did okay with it. For me. The Special K bar is sweet, but at least I only had 1. Also, I did have 2 mini Twix bars and a mini Milky Way. That, for me, is a HUGE win for today!

Another win is that a friend of mine threw out a contest on her blog about exercising. It’s for the month of March. So, as soon as I got home, I changed clothes and walked for about 45 minutes. Another win for me.

So, overall, the first day of the new month goes in the win column. What did you do good for you today?

Thanks for stopping by.

*Short post today. Still a little fragile from yesterday…

I was a ridiculously naive teenager. All these kids these days, having sex, fooling around while in Middle School or High School? That was so not me. I was prudish. I was unsure of my appeal to the opposite sex. I didn’t know what I was doing. The last thing I thought about was having sex.

“He” moved to town from one of the middle states. He was new and interesting. He was younger than I. He was on the boy’s swim team. I was on the girl’s team. The two teams often practiced together. We got to know each other. I had a girly crush on him.

One night, we went to a movie. I have no idea what we watched. I drove – he didn’t have a driver’s license. After the movie, we went “parking”. I thought it was for some making out. He had other ideas.

We were in my parents’ car. Still in the front seat. He kept trying to get on top of me. I kept saying no. I had no idea what I was doing. I’m not sure he did either. What I do know, is that I didn’t want to have sex. In a car. For the first time. While I had my period. And had a tampon in.

I had no idea really what happened. When it was over, I was shaking and more than a little freaked out. And I had to drive him home.

The next day, I told “a friend” of mine what had happened. I told her that I had been raped. She laughed.

I didn’t tell anyone else after that. I was humiliated and I thought that if my “friend” didn’t believe me, no one else would. *I* had been the one to drive. *I* had been the one to drive to the park to make out with him. *I* had been the one to drive him home, rather than kick him out of the car and drive myself to the hospital. I was convinced that it was my fault.

I had to see him every day. We still had practice together. We didn’t speak after that, as I remember. It was horrible.

I’m not sure when he moved away again. It could have been a year later. Maybe 2. All I know is that he was finally gone. I could officially bury that event and go on with my life.

He must have told someone.

Towards the end of high school, I was in the car with one of my then-boyfriend’s friends. I don’t remember where we were going. I do remember that he pulled over behind a building and raped me there. This was a different “He”. But it was like reliving my worst nightmare.

I buried the horror of those events. I never talked about it. I never told my parents. I never told my brother and sister. It wasn’t until many years later that I connected the manifestation of these events in other ways. I didn’t know that burying my feelings would result in other problems.

Thanks for stopping by.